Finding my way back to myself

Kayla Risteen Campbell on motherhood, nourishment and remembering who she is

A note from Tawny: Kayla was in her kitchen making salsa when one of my posts found its way to her. What followed was a conversation about motherhood, food and the parts of ourselves that can quietly disappear while we care for everyone else. This Thanksgiving, I’m grateful she has pulled up a chair at The Crowded Table and trusted us with her story. As we think about who we are feeding, her words invite us to remember ourselves, too.

My name is Kayla Risteen Campbell. I’m married and a mom to two little kids. After the birth of my second child, I experienced a moment that changed everything for me. I was sitting in my bedroom during a nighttime feeding when it suddenly felt like everything came crashing down. I realized that I had no idea who I was anymore.

Since the birth of my first child, I had been living almost entirely on autopilot. I had become so wrapped up in being a mom and wife that everything that felt like “Kayla” seemed to have quietly disappeared without me even noticing. I love my family deeply. This was the life I had always wanted: a husband, children and a home. From the outside, it looked like I had everything. But inside, I felt disconnected from myself and from my life.

I remember thinking, “There has to be more than this.” There had to be more to life than constantly caring for everyone else, completing the next task and moving through each day like a robot. That was the first time I truly recognized that something was off and that I needed to look deeper.

This was a scary time for me, wondering why I felt so lost when I thought I had it all. When I got up the nerve to speak to a doctor, I was offered antidepressants and birth control as a way to “regulate my hormones.” I did not fill the prescriptions. I felt truly unseen.

Over the next few years, I began the slow process of finding myself again. I started asking questions that I had not made space for in a long time. What made me feel alive? What was taking me further away from myself? How had my view of life changed? Which beliefs had I been carrying that no longer felt true for me?

It wasn’t one big transformation. It was a gradual evolution, a series of small realizations, choices and changes that slowly brought me back to myself. That journey eventually led me to study holistic nutrition. I had already begun to experience the difference that holistic living could make, not only through food but through caring for my whole self, supporting my well-being and learning to nourish myself with the same attention I gave everyone else.

When I began school, something inside me lit up again. I fell in love with the miracle that food is. I found peace in my garden and in creating meals around nourishment for myself and my family, feeling the difference between eating to live and eating to be full of life.

By reconnecting with my love of cooking, I found peace in the kitchen and joy in sharing the foods I made with the ones I love. I also found that holistic nutrition was about more than food. It was connecting with my body and my soul and seeing the relationship between the two. Nourishment also means listening to my body when it needs rest or movement, sitting in nature, talking with a loved one and making time for hobbies that fill my soul with joy.

Through my education and my personal growth, I began to understand that taking care of myself was not selfish. It was okay to make time for myself. It was okay to nourish myself. It was okay to have needs, dreams and an identity outside of the roles I held for other people.

For a long time, I held limiting beliefs that doing something just for myself meant I was not being the best mother, wife, friend or person I could be. I believed that my value came from how much I could give and how much I could carry. It took a lot of inner work to change those thought patterns, but eventually I saw that when I cared for myself, I was not taking something away from the people I loved. Rather, I was able to show up for them as a healthier, more grounded and more authentic version of myself.

As I continued on this journey, I began connecting with other women of different ages and stages of life. Despite our different experiences, I kept noticing the same theme. So many women feel that their value is connected to how much they do for others. We carry guilt when we rest or make time for ourselves. We feel as though we must manage everything, hold everything together and be everything to everyone.

I have seen women crash and burn under the weight of those expectations. I have also seen women recognize that they are getting dangerously close to that point. That is part of what inspired me to educate and empower women.

I want women to know that they do not have to do it all. Life does not have to be measured by how much we can carry, how productive we can be or how well we can hide the fact that we are struggling. There is another way. We can soften. We can listen to ourselves. We can release some of the guilt and pressure. We can begin making choices that feel aligned with who we truly are.

In my own kitchen, that doesn’t mean every single meal comes straight from the garden. It’s about doing what I can, when I can, and enjoying the life I have rather than stressing about every single thing we put in our mouths. I try my best to shop locally, use what’s in my garden and cook from scratch. But some days are completely busy. If thawing out frozen soup or throwing a quick sheet-pan dinner in the oven is what feeds my family so we can relax and enjoy some time together after a long day, that’s okay too.

I enjoy making salsa each year. A lot of the ingredients come right from my own garden, and each year it’s different because I’m experimental and cook with my heart. I love putting on music and pouring a nice drink, whether that’s a home-brewed iced coffee or seltzer water with fruit, whatever I’m feeling at the time. I enjoy connecting to the food as I cut it up, listening to the sizzle as it sautés in the pan, smelling the aromas and hearing my kids ask what’s cooking.

I live in a rural community and absolutely love it. I’m far enough away from the city and still close enough to family. I’m building a business focused on women’s health, especially women and mothers who feel the burnout, and creating a safe place to talk and be understood. I know that the more we connect with each other, the more we change the standards for the next generation. I hope women feel relaxed, connected and understood in my presence.

If I could say something to the woman I was when I felt lost, it would be this: it’s okay to be lost, because there are so many amazing things to be found.

At my crowded table would be my husband and our two kids, my brother and sister-in-law and their two kids, my parents and my husband’s parents. Together, we create a space where we feel supported, where we can be ourselves, share laughs and not take life too seriously. I love when we are all eating good food, laughing at each other’s jokes and stories, and building memories.

Written by Kayla Risteen Campbell. Based on an edit by Stacey MacKenzie, adapted for The Crowded Table. Introduction by Tawny Stowe.